Mai, pt. 1 - Something Is Wrong

I finally realized something was definitely unstable with my daughter’s mental health in the summer of 2022. None of the therapists helped to identify it at this point. However, after a dozen exhausting arguments and a violent altercation that led to my arrest, I had to tackle my own ignorance in order to grasp the source of the issue. Noticeable changes within her psyche began after moving out of our hometown.

When I relocated from Indianapolis, Indiana to Las Vegas, Nevada towards the end of 2010, I anticipated a similar lifestyle - only in a new city surrounded by rust-colored mountains and a hint more diversity. I frequented the city when visiting my father in my younger days and was fond of not only the glitz and glamour of the Strip, but also the calmer residential areas for family life. I would have never thought my moving from Indiana would have triggered an onset of dormant, internal disturbances…I never knew existed.

Overwhelmed with feelings of guilt for mistaking my child's mental illness for hormonal changes or teenage angst. The shame will never leave me. Am I too late to help her?

For the first 10 years of her life we had a beautiful and "normal" mother-daughter relationship (so I thought). However, when I finally realized that my daughter, "Mai" was exhibiting a mental illness due to my own research, I was sadden by it initially, then open to supporting her by any means necessary. Which illness? I'm not certain since she still refuses to properly be diagnosed, but I have a couple of guesses. I also felt guilty for not realizing this much earlier and dismissing it as a teenager going through angst or hormonal changes. It was also a moment of clarity - as I recalled, reminding myself that her overall demeanor was nearly identical to her father's. When her father (Jonathan) and I were a young couple, I was naïve, struggling with self-esteem issues and he was a troubled individual, full of chaos. I thought he would eventually outgrow his immature and menacing ways....but he never did. To this day, he is still a very controversial person.

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The Onset

In 2022 Mai turned 21 years old. We had a small celebration between the two of us with cupcakes and large balloons shaped in the numbers "2" and "1". It was a short, quiet celebration as she did not want to go a restaurant or celebrate anywhere else...with anyone else. It was January, I had just started a new job and she'd just moved back in with me three weeks prior. After two years, I was glad to have her back along with a new addition - her bulky orange cat, Reyna 😺

For the first time in her life, she'd nearly disappeared from myself along with the rest of the family. It was startling since we could not understand what went so wrong.

Five months prior in August 2021, a scary event occurred for myself and other family members. Mai had nearly disappeared after abruptly moving from my mother's newly rented home. For the first time in her life, she barely kept in contact with anyone. We knew nothing of her whereabouts...and could not understand why she'd suddenly went nearly "no contact", except for responding on occasion with a one-word text message. Her excuse for hastily storming out of my mother's home seemed bizarre. Right before she left, she complained of: not wanting to temporarily share a bathroom, my mom entering her room to clean w/o her permission, and having to sneak occupancy of her cat.

In addition, Mai and I also previously had a pretty intense argument a few days before the move. She experienced to a sudden mood shift as I drove her to a job interview and after she received a vaccination. Her burst of anger shocked me, as she lashed out about why I was still in her life after putting her out of the house a year and a half prior. From that incident, she had completely erased her "cause" and only focused on my "reaction". Her irrational thinking then caused me to retaliate. Overall, I later realized that Mai was having a panic attack due to the day's anticipated stressors.

Mai was aware of the difficulty to obtain the new rental property in such a short notice. With my help of drumming up the paperwork last minute, my mom managed to (barely) get the approval to lease the new property; it was such a relief for us. Unfortunately, my daughter did not share that same relief; she only exhibited bitterness, frustration, and anger.

I couldn't understand why my daughter had a sudden personality shift over "minor" changes, especially since they'd only lived at the previous home for one year. My mom did inform me however, that my daughter had been recently taking caffeine tablets, which seemed to cause even more erratic behavior than what I've experienced with her before.